How To Save Your Marriage

Modern commentators on marriage have long said that without a mutual perception of equality, partners cannot negotiate the many demands of life. In marriage, partners need to perceive each other as having equal importance. If this is not felt or understood, one partner has an inclination to engage in an insidious game of trying to get the upperhand that could lead to the destruction of the marriage.

In this type of marriage, "score-keeping" is prevalent; each partner keeps a mental tally of perceived wrongs that's been done to them by the other partner. The "score" becomes the primary agenda in the marriage. In this type of marital environment, how can there be any genuine closeness taking place between the two partners.

The perception of equality in the marriage, gives each person the opportunity to help create a balance relationship in which the marriage can thrive. This type of equal relationship within a marriage, makes it secure, "a soft place to fall" according to psychologist P.C. McGraw. This is a place where partners can feel free to make mistakes in the relationship, and know that their partner neither judges nor hold him/her in contempt.

When a marriage is stable and happy, contemptuous superiority never occurs. If one partner is contemptuous of the other, it means that there is no perception of equality in the marriage relationship.

Having a spouse you view as an equal and see as a friend, provides emotional strength that lets you handle what life brings, take risks, pursue goals and be less then perfect. When you are in a close, committed, and secure relationship, it creates a shelter against the stresses of life.

Adult relationships require mutual devotion and cultivation where each person puts aside self-interest for the well being of the other. This involves compromise for the good of the relationship. Eminent psychologist Alfred Adler emphasized that equality of partners is essential to a successful relationship: "If each partner is to be more interested in the other partner than in him or herself, there must be equality. Neither partner can feel subdued or overshadowed. It should be the effort of each to ease and enrich the life of the other. In this way, each is safe. Each feeels that he or she is worthwhile: each feels that he or she is needed."

Relationships will fail if partners are motivated primarily by self-interest. If little attention is
payed to the needs and desires of the other partner, it devalues the relationaship. Romantic relationships, friendships, and family connections satisfy our inner longings for relational closeness with others through the experience of mutual companionship, respect, loyality, shared interests, and love.

Through viewing your partner as having equal importance to you, this will transcend your own interests, fears, and desires, allowing you to connect to others, serve others, and work with them to achieve common goals.

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